


For The Gods They Made

by Jinxter



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: And Traditional Expectations, Blinded By Pixie Dust, Dawning Of Realization, F/F, Idiots in Love, Oblivious, Unconscious Denial, pre-SwanQueen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-24 22:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3787177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinxter/pseuds/Jinxter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post "Sympathy For The De Vil" oneshot.</p><p>Regina and Emma have a conversation about murder, soul mates and babies. The usual stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For The Gods They Made

**Author's Note:**

> I've barely watched anything this season, but I did watch this one and, predictably, had unresolved feelings about it. My continuity is likely balls since I haven't been watching, and... yeah anyway. I just wanted to knock this out. Hope you don't hate it!

Gravel crunched underneath new tyres as they ascended the unsealed road. Rubber squeaked across the glass as the blades wiped the water from the windscreen, not droplets from the drizzle, but large splotches of rain from the overhanging trees. Headlights illuminated the yellow bug as the Mercedes crested the hill and pulled into the lookout carpark, and despite the lot being empty apart from the two vehicles, she parked half a dozen spaces away.

She couldn't make out Emma's face across the distance and in the darkness, although she could see blonde hair through the driver's side window. The figure didn't move, didn't appear to look in her direction, but the bug's engine also didn't roar to life and leave her there alone.

Regina left her umbrella in the passenger floor well, the rain again having eased to just a light spattering, and she stepped out of her car. The door closed with a thunk, and she walked quickly across the distance between them and tapped on Emma's window. She saw the younger woman sigh, then she rolled her window down an inch and grumbled, "Get in."

She made her way around the car and heaved open the heavy door, and was careful to ensure her new cashmere coat was entirely inside the car before she tugged it closed. She straightened her clothes, licked her lips, and looked at Emma.

The blonde didn't move, didn't look at her, didn't say anything.

Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a small flask and unscrewed the cap. She held it out. "I hear at times like these, a drink is better than a hope speech."

The corner of Emma's mouth twitched, as though a single nerve impulse had tried to trigger a smile and failed. Emma did turn and look at the flask, and stiffly she reached out and took it. She took a sip, and then another, before handing it back to Regina, who looked at the narrow mouthpiece, then took a swig herself and capped it.

She cleared her throat, her voice husky from hours of silence and some earlier crying. "You haven't left yet."

Regina licked her lips again, the warmth of the whiskey still tingling her tongue. "No, I haven't."

"Why not?" Emma asked without taking her eyes off the twinkling town lights below them.

It was Regina's turn to take a deep breath. "I can't go just yet."

Emma laughed dryly. "Need to make sure I'm not going to kill anyone else while you're gone?"

"No, you idiot!" Regina rolled her eyes, then softened her voice. "I had to make sure you were okay first."

"Your soul mate is in danger of being killed by your sister and you're driving around town all night until you find me to see if I'm okay?" Emma finally turned and glanced at Regina disbelievingly.

The brunette frowned. "I haven't driven around all night. I waited for you to come back, and when you didn't, I used magic to find you." Silence hung between them for a few moments. "I'm glad I did, you don't seem okay."

"I don't think I even remember what it's like to be okay. Really okay. I mean it was pretty good a few weeks ago when we were... we were all working on Operation Mongoose, but it was still like there was this bad feeling... that it was just a calm before a storm and sure enough, trouble came right to us."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that they be given a second chance." Regina scratched at imaginary lint on her trousers and felt Emma's eyes on her again.

"You're not convinced you can change, are you," Emma said as a statement rather than as a question.

Regina scoffed. "Are you afraid I'm going to go all Evil Queen on you again?"

"I'm not, but you have your doubts." Their eyes met. "That's why you wanted them to come into town. You wanted to believe that you weren't kidding yourself that you could do it. Like an Ex-villains Anonymous."

"Ex-villains Anonymous? Do they give out chips after a certain amount of time since you last killed someone?" Regina chuckled.

"If they do, I guess you can have mine." She looked back out at the town, the lights distorting with the rivulets of rain down the glass as the pattering on the metal roof got louder.

"She was a sociopath. She enjoyed killing people. You did what needed to be done."

Emma dropped her head back onto the headrest and looked at the ceiling. "Come on, Regina! I didn't even know that when I did it!"

"You were saving our son!" 

She raised her hands, palm up. "She couldn't even kill him!"

"You didn't know _that_ then either!"

Emma frowned. "I liked it!"

Regina's mouth fell open at the unexpected admission.

She lowered her voice. "I liked it. I liked it because they see me as this pure hero and I like that they're wrong. I liked it because instead of always defending everything and everyone I care about I could just stop it. Stop her. I didn't even see her as a person, she was just... she was just something in the way of what I want and I got her out of it." Hardened green eyes turned to her silent companion. "I think you know what I mean."

The Mayor swallowed thickly. "I believe I do."

"I don't think I want to be someone like that, and I hate that... that I feel this way because of what they did to me."

"Every parent wants the best for their child."

"At the expense of another? Really, Regina? Would you?"

Once again, Regina fell silent, knowing well enough to stay away from comparisons and defending the Charmings.

"They didn't know her."

Regina frowned. "Cruella?"

"No, Lily! None of you do. You all think it's okay to have done this thing for me, but all I can see is it was something that hurt her. She's some faceless baby in all your minds, but she... she was my..."

"You're right. It is easier for us to disregard what was done to her because we don't know her."

"I wondered if I could take it back."

"Take what back?"

"If... if I did something bad, if I broke whatever thing they did that made me good, maybe some good would find Lily. Maybe I could give it back to her."

"You killed Cruella because you thought it might help Lily?"

Emma's face tightened and she scowled at Regina, her eyes reddened and hard. "How many people did you kill in the name of your first love?"

"Far too many."

"I thought you would understand."

"I do." Emma leaned away and rested her head on the driver's side window. "Emma, I do."

The way Regina said her name always had an effect on her that she couldn't describe. She slumped against the door. "I hate not knowing if what I feel is what I feel or because of what they did. I hate... I hate not feeling like my life is my own. You know it was really lonely in all those homes, growing up how I did, but I had myself, you know? I had me. They took that from me. They took... half of me."

"Maybe you felt something with Lily because your soul recognized the other half of you, and hers saw it's other half in you."

Emma frowned. "There's no magic out there, how could we have?"

"You always know."

"Oh, like you did? You didn't even like Hood when you met him and he's your soul mate."

Regina sighed. It was true, she realised. She hadn't felt anything until she'd seen his tattoo, then she'd felt it. Hope. Hope that she could have the love, the family she had always craved. It seemed possible with the hands of fate bringing them together again after so many years. "Yes, well the first time we met, your mother pushed me towards him. I may have allowed her approval to influence my immediate rejection of the idea." 

A soft laugh escaped Emma. "That's so her. Hurting? Just fill that hole in your heart with someone else." She looked down at her hands, white and still dirty under a couple of the nails from scrambling over a rotting log while chasing the sound of Henry's cries for help.

"She has never known how to handle grief. When her mother died, well she tried to fill that gap with me. The war I waged on her after her father, well I suppose I kept her busy. And when we were separated from you..."

"They decided to just have another kid." The bitterness in her tone was unmistakable.

"Emma, you already knew they wanted more children."

"Yeah, ones they could raise to be good little princes and princesses like them."

"Ones they could raise, not because you're not enough, but because raising a child is one of the most amazing and incredibly rewarding experiences one can have." Emma fell silent and Regina realised her mistake. "Nothing will ever diminish your love for Henry, but have you not thought about having another child?"

"After Henry, I never thought I would, I could... and then with the memories you gave me, I dunno, I guess there was something in them that I'd never had more because I didn't want them."

"And now?" Regina probed.

Emma chuckled. "What, with Hook?"

"Why not with Hook?" She asked, though it pained her to think of the filthy pirate fathering Emma's children. 

Emma laughed. "Well for one, I don't think that appendage he insists on wearing is child-safe."

"Well," she said through gritted teeth, "if Rumple is correct and his hand is not cursed, I may be able to reattach it for him. If it's what you wanted."

"You could do that?"

She shrugged. "I could try."

Emma scrunched her face. "Even then I don't see him as father material. You know I caught him teaching Henry how to play street craps the other week?"

"He what?!" The vein in Regina's forehead bulged. "If my son develops a gambling addiction because of him, he won't be able to throw any dice with his other hand ever again either!"

"Exactly. I grew up with too many dodgy, unscrupulous, selfish children to want to raise more with a 300-year-old overgrown one."

"Why are you with him?"

"What, I can't be with someone I don't intend to raise children with? What is this, 1950?" Regina looked at her, brow furrowed deeply and mouth open. She sighed. "He can be sweet. He was... there." A dry smile flickered and then died. "He told me I was his happy ending."

"Of course he did." Regina scoffed, unable to restrain herself. Emma looked at her, eyes wide and somewhat amused at the outburst. "I mean, he hit the jackpot with you, why wouldn't he think that?"

"I am the one who is supposed to provide all the happy endings," she said wryly. Regina let the words sink in, and they sank into a tight ball in her stomach. Emma shook herself off a little and retreated to somewhat safer territory. "But really, do you honestly think Henry would have turned out anything like the awesome kid he is if he'd been raised by me and Hook?"

Regina smiled and preened at the compliment. "I suppose not."

"Definitely not. I'd have another kid with you." Her fingers dug into the denim atop her thighs. "I mean, well I guess if you raised another cool kid and I was just... there... to enjoy it. You know. Reap the benefits. Again. I'd do that..." She trailed off and raked her teeth over her lower lip. 

Dark eyes watched her writhe, their warmth barely decreasing the effect of their intensity.

"Did you ever want another kid?"

She shook her head. "I felt lucky enough to be blessed with one. It felt... well, he felt more than I deserved as it was."

"And now?"

"Well my body isn't frozen in time anymore, I think I'm too old to be a single, working mother all over again."

"But if you go and get Robin Hood..." She raised an eyebrow, though the corners of her mouth drooped lower.

He was supposed to be her happy ending, and they both knew it. With Henry, and Roland, and any other babies they decided to make. It was supposed to be everything she wanted, but at what cost? She looked at the blonde and for the first time since she had joined Operation Mongoose she really tried to imagine how Emma and Henry would fit into her happy ending, which was hard because she realised that Emma and Robin had spent hardly any time together, that Emma had always had somewhere else to be.

There was a resigned slump in the younger woman's shoulders, and Regina realised the toll it had taken on her and she hadn't even noticed. To devote her time to finding Regina's happy ending, all the while unhappy with her relationship. Knowing her - what, her soul mate? - was out there somewhere too.

A long silence stretched between them. "She was your first love?"

Emma stared out the window and nodded, her eyes flickered down to the steering wheel and to the wing mirror, then back out the front.

"Come with me."

Blonde hair swirled as Emma whipped her head to the side. "What?"

Regina looked at the pale face of her best friend. Her red-rimmed eyes and almost translucent skin framed by lank, lifeless hair were not the features of the woman she had known and come to, well, appreciate. "Come with me. We'll rescue Robin and Roland from Zelena, and we'll try to find Lily. Maybe whatever the two idiots did can be reversed. Or if not, maybe... maybe it will at least help to have the 'other half of you' in your life again."

"What about Henry?"

"He'll be fine here. Gold wouldn't dare... and Mal may be furious with your parents but she wants Lily back herself. We wouldn't need to worry about her." Regina pulled out her flask again, uncapped it and took a sip. "You deserve your own happy ending too, Emma."

At the sound of her name her stomach flipped again, flipped and squeezed and ached like indigestion right in the middle of her chest. She took the flask on offer, her eyes focussing on the lipstick on the mouthpiece, and as she raised it to her lips she closed her eyes and tried to ignore the pain.


End file.
